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Tuesday, 28 May 2013

look for the small things to stay positive

What a week! The ceiling falls down, I get a speeding fine in the post, all those poor people lost their lives and homes in Oklahoma and some lunatic hacks the head of a young man on our streets. When your drowning - not waiving, it doesn't take much to sink you. Combined with the fact Ed has crept in bed with us for the past two weeks, so I am a little more deprived of sleep than normal, it was just enough to send me into poor me mode. Whether or not my mood affected him or whether he was feeling it as well, Ed had joined in with a general angry mood. That's quite interesting when your non-verbal, you have all sorts of angry activities. Angry weeing, angry eating, angry running and biting something, angry hoovering, angry opening the front door, angry throw something random out of a window, angry tip something over - do you get the gist? so we haven't been the happiest house, and hence I have been a bit slack posting anything. Being in a miserable mood you start to notice all the things your happy mood blocks out. The broken curtain rail, the marks on the carpet, the marks everywhere! The holes in my cushions, the general broken bits and pieces that however many times are put away are out again. The three hoovers with their trailing wires that clutter up everywhere, the torn and strewn books .......

Now I am just getting back to myself when sponge bob comes on, normally I love him, but this episode just added to my gloom, sponge bob forgets how to tie his shoe, normally this wouldn't mean anything to me but I just look at my boy and think "will he ever be able to tie a shoe lace?' not a massive task, but just one more small thing he has to conquer. That's where he is at, for all the massive improvements he has made, he is still so far behind, we really have a mountain to climb. In my miserable mood my darling sister picks me up, and I try again to re-connect to all that there is.

When you are really down you need to pull a rabbit out of your arse to get you pointing in the right direction, and here my previous action has paid dividends. Last year I made myself busy and shook the tree as hard as I could to see what fell out to help me. As I tap away, Ed is at a holiday club which mixes ''normal' and 'special' children, the lady who runs it is so kind, despite a rocky start last year, he ran in today as happy as Larry, and to see him have the opportunity to do something other than his normal rituals at home, like play, something I always took for granted, has put a renewed spring in my step. I need to be quick now because its time to pick him up, but my blessings are once again out numbering my obstacles, my house just looks lived in, I have food in the kitchen for tea and a family who love me, and I am ready for my wee man, just hope he has lost the angry too!

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